Death is So Distracting
How do we get back to work?
Over the holidays, several of my friends faced the death of a parent, and others mourned the recently deceased. I booked a last-minute trip to be with someone I love in hospice, and he died Sunday. This time of life is hard.
How do we reconcile the profundity of death - the potential loss of those we love, our fears of our own mortality - with the need to Get Shit Done? Time to get back to work if we’re the ones still alive.
It’s been thirteen years since I lost my mother, but each new death unlocks a distracting grief and a reflection on life. So today, I remind myself of what I’ve learned. Thanks for being on the journey with me.
Our health is our most important asset
I’m crazy about my health because my mom first contracted cancer when I was in high school. I saw how her poor health degraded her relationships, cut her dreams short, and filled years with pain. Eating well, drinking little, exercising, getting regular medical treatments, and maintaining meaningful relationships is hard to fit into a busy life of work, family, and competing priorities. But again, by a hospice bed, I was reminded of how substantial these regular commitments are and how much they add up over the decades.
How do we deal with our own mourning?
Death is one of the hardest parts of life. I had a complicated relationship with my mom, so I grappled with making sense of her life and my grief. A few things that got me through:
No crying and driving. My husband made this rule for my safety, and I had to use it several times the first year. Good rule.
It’s not a fast process, and that’s okay. As an average American family, we had a funeral for my mom soon after her death. Then it was over. Everyone moved on, and I felt like my grief was “lasting longer than it should.” I later had a friend whose Jewish tradition first hosted a gathering of food, love, singing, praying, and togetherness the first ten days after a death. Then, at the one-year anniversary, they hosted a second funeral-like event, which was “the ending of the FIRST period of mourning.” Reframing the mourning period as a) longer and b) one of many gave me the grace to experience my mourning at my own pace. I also appreciated how vibrantly their community came together to support them. I wanted to be that for others.
There are grief techniques that help. Along the way, I encountered a book, the Grief Recovery Handbook, that gave me a context on death and mourning that no school or church had taught. The most important insight for me was the acceptance of dichotomy - that you could have both positive and negative feelings about a person at the same time without having to “conclude.” The book goes through a narrative exercise that helps you capture the fullness of the love, frustration, regrets, and appreciation so that you can accept it, hold it, and, when you’re ready, move forward.
Postitive framing can help sometimes. I use this with myself, but use it sparingly with others as it can come across as toxic positivity.
I lost my mother ‘early’ when she was just 65. I missed having her as a grandmother to my children, as a crafty friend, and as an advisor. But my grandfather died when my father was just seven. I reminded myself that I was lucky to have my mom as long as I did. I was. I tried to turn my loss into gratitude. And I recentered on my good fortune of having a loving, living father.
I’d tell myself, “If I didn’t love them so much, I wouldn’t miss them so much.” I kept/keep trying to recenter myself around the love instead of the loss. When I say, “I miss my mom,” I also say, “I love you mom.”
The relationship continues. As crazy as it sounds, my relationship with my mom has deepened over the years she’s been gone. Her voice, her inspiration, and her lessons are ever-present in my life. I understand her struggles, perspectives, and motherly love so much more than before. While I miss her fiercely, I constantly feel her love and presence; I sing her songs, use her sayings, and teach her values to my kids. She’s all around, all the time.
How do we love-up friends and family?
When my mom was sick, people didn’t know what to say, so they often didn’t say anything. They didn’t know what to do, so sometimes they just stayed away. Some said “let me know how I can help,” but even figuring that out was too much. My own experience taught me to just show up and try to proactively help if possible. Last week, my friend tried to convince me not to book my last-minute flight - we can plan it for later, it will be less expensive and you can stay longer. But the time was now. Her father, my mentor, was dying, and it was her birthday. I told her that if she couldn’t break away, that was fine. I could bring food, I could listen, I could babysit, I would just be available. We had such a meaningful time together and with her father in his last days. After being with a few friends in this situation, talking on the phone doesn’t really cut it, but being there and being a flexible, hands-on helper has been meaningful. I wish I lived even closer to more people I love.
We can't fix it
When my mom first took ill, I spent a lot of time on all the “DOING” - wanting to organize her finances, her prescriptions, her home… While these things did need attention, I used them to distract myself from the fear and anxiety that really, I couldn’t do anything. She was dying. When I spend time with my friends facing death, I realize now more viscerally that I can’t DO anything, I can just BE with them. There’s nothing I can SAY (“It all happens for a reason” is a trigger for me and many). The best thing I can do is just listen. I can be a receptive vessel, helping them work through fear, anger, and sadness and feel friendship and love. Our kind presence is our greatest gift.
How do you reconcile “Life is Short, and Sacrifice is Worth It?”
And so here we are, with death all around us, still needing to respond to important emails and kick off Q1 with vigor. How do we honor our grief and that of our friends and still get productive? Sometimes it’s a conundrum.
I explored this a bit in a recent blog, Reconciling Life is Short and Sacrifice is Worth It, after Susan Wojcicki died young, but I revisit it again today. Life is complicated. Love and friendship carry us through: one day at a time, one foot in front of the other.
Do you have any advice for what helps you through these times?
Carilu Dietrich is a former CMO, most notably the head of marketing that took Atlassian public. She currently advises CEOs and CMOs of high-growth tech companies. Carilu helps leaders operationalize the chaos of scale, see around corners, and improve marketing and company performance.
"Eating well, drinking little, exercising, and maintaining meaningful relationships is hard to fit into a busy life of work, family, and competing priorities"
It’s interesting how these aspects are often the ones most overlooked by many people. Especially nowadays, with long-term goals in mind, we must recognize that we can’t handle everything. Instead, we should use the leftover time—after covering basic habits and needs—to work on creating whatever we want in the long term.
Thanks Carilu for this timely post as my father passed away during the holidays. I was lucky to have spent the week before with him and again by his bedside when he passed. Taking the time to see my parents throughout the years while I’ve lived on the west coast and they’ve been back on the east coast has been the best decision ever. I’m thankful for the time I’ve spent with them over the years … many visits driven by an extra few days on my business travel. I’ll never regret the meeting I missed in person vs taking via a zoom to be there with them in person instead.